And, dear reader, I’m here to tell you that zombies are real.

In fact, you may own one. An unlicensed one, even.

Unfortunately, you can’t really tell by the smell that betrays traditional, flesh-and-decay zombies. More progressive zombies may dangle Glade® Air Freshners from their rotting carcasses to avert suspicion, but let’s face it - the potpourri smell is a dead giveaway. Even amongst the doctor zombies, biologist zombies, and vast phalanx of professional zombies currently active in the wild, the scent tells the tale.

In any event, I’m talking about your personal computer.

Look at it, sitting there all smug and self-righteous. Content with the knowledge of knowledgelessness.¹ Oh, certainly, dear reader, you’ve updated your virus protection to the latest version. You’re thorough that way.

But you didn’t realize your computer’s zombification occurred before you locked it down with Avast Home Edition anti-virus and Spybot anti-malware, two free software applications you installed in your near-infinite wisdom. You didn’t realize the sound of your machine beeping to life is the chorus of the digital undead. You didn’t realize your computer’s purpose is either to molest other PCs,² ripping out their vocal cords (effectively murdering their ability to speak with other machines); infecting other computers, perpetuating the zombie species (which is called, among other four letter expletives, a botnet); or finally, to further the ends of spammers around the globe. Apparently the zombies feel that spammers are an often maligned, misunderstood breed.

But fear not, like any entertaining political election, the fix is in.

1. Yes, that took three tries to write correctly and I’m still not certain it could ever be grammatically correct, even if it became trendy Internet-speak.
2. Lovely graphic, that.